“I was grinding my teeth, I was wasting my youth
And using up my teeth
Now I’m done chewing my nails
Hanging my head, chasing my tail
It got so bad I quit my job
Then I got a new job climbing the walls”

-Climbing The Walls, They Might Be Giants, The Else

T.M.B.G. appropriately named their 12th studio album, IMO, The Else. I had always thought that The Else referred to the unknown, or, everything “else”. The Else, (again, IMO) is chockfull of songs with a heavy theme of imposter syndrome. Climbing the Walls being the most relatable to the person behind the keyboard, not to mention it had been stuck in my head constantly throughout the last dregs of this past year.

They also released The Else in 2007, the very same year I started my first of many jobs at Vesco Oil.

I started off very green, I had never worked in an office before. I was also a student, very eager to pay off debt, no longer living at home, and after years of not having insurance, I was elated.

It took me a minute to graduate from community college, and then enter Oakland University, full-time, while also working full-time.

I had also gotten married, bought a house, graduated, got divorced, moved home, moved out, survived a few shitty breakups, was mugged and hospitalized, all over the span of almost 19 years. I worked with four different departments, made friends, made enemies, made some pretty solid memories that will be kept for as long as my geriatric millennial ass can remember them.

I took the time and care to decorate my office and would change things up seasonally. Behold my first big-girl desk and decor:

The offices are attached to the warehouse, making for an interesting setup. It was almost always freezing or hotter than Satan’s armpit. No matter what department I worked for, I trekked out into the warehouse daily. I made friends with a lot of the warehouse employees, mechanics, and drivers.

Over the years, I worked in a variety of different departments: Transportation, Inventory Control, Purchasing, and I assisted in the AP department.

The last leg of my *almost* 19 years was 3.5ish years as a Purchasing assistant. I was hired into the department with the understanding that upper management would be seeing how I fared in Purchasing after so many years in other departments. I received a dollar raise when I entered that department. I was under the belief that after a few months, or at the very least my next performance review, I would be informed if I would be considered to be trained as an actual Buyer (the person I “replaced” was a Buyer, I am not sure what that salary entails, I just knew that It had to be more than whatever I was making at the time).

After a year in Purchasing, I was told that I was a hard worker, I needed improvements because I made mistakes, and that it was noted that I would like to learn more.

After the second year of the same results, I knew that I would never become what they were looking for. I made mistakes, little, stupid mistakes. I was late, often, and although it wasn’t an issue that I just stayed later to work all of my hours, often after many employees left so that I could get work done in peace and quiet, it suddenly became so.

It was known for years that I had bad stomach issues, and, I was finally diagnosed with Microscopic Colitis. I have a steroid that does wonders to help aide the side effects, however, MC is a literal disease. Despite watching what/how much/etc I eat, I have flare-ups. Another cause of flare-ups? Stress.

I had to ask my PC to write me a note, explaining what I had, what the symptoms were, and to describe a flare-up.

A place I had worked for years, watched my co-worker get married, watched another fight for everything when their child was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Watched two coworkers fall in love, watched everyone be supportive when I went through divorce, breakups, and eloping with the love of my life.

Watched them be supportive as I took workshops, and classes at Grand Valley to pursue a career in Digital Marketing.

Because I had worked there for so long, I had worked with many departments over the years. I had insight to know how changing one procedure in one department would affect another. I knew how to assist the Order Entry department, not because of my knowledge of being in Purchasing, but because I worked in Inventory Control. I knew, and had relationships with, half of our vendors before even moving to Purchasing because of helping with Accounts Payables. That really comes in clutch when you are waiting on credits, need things to be returned, etc.

I was also diagnosed (FINALLY) with ADHD during my time in Purchasing. Adderall aided me greatly, but I also needed to be challenged. I also understand how asking to learn more, while also trying to launch an entirely separate career can look confusing on the outside, but hey, I have that spicy brain that needs challenging input in order to function better.

I also had to build this entire career from scratch, it was going to take time. I also loved the coworkers that I loved. I was also a hard worker. Also, also, I love to learn. Vesco had also not hired a Buyer in the 3.5 years I was in that department. And, when my boss announced his retirement, they didn’t hire a replacement until he had two weeks left until he was %100 gone.

Being as though there were only three people in Purchasing, one buyer, one manager, one assistant, and one person in another facility who can assist, however, had been moved to Operations in another state entirely, maybe some consideration should have been applied?

I asked my immediate boss, I asked our office manager, I asked our company manager, to be trained as a backup for our department, with compensation. I spent six months trying to make this happen, with the support and help from my immediate coworker (the only Buyer Vesco had), the office manager, and mostly, the company manager. I waited.

The HR manager couldn’t come to the phone, why? They fucking quit.

The replacement for my boss was hired, and, while in training, I was completely bombarded and swamped with questions from the sales team and Customer Service, while doing my own daily/weekly/ tasks and duties.

Climbing the Walls was played on repeat in my head, and IRL (do people still use IRL? IDK)

After my old boss left, and my new boss took over, I spent three weeks not only training my new boss on most of the tasks he really needed a month or so being trained on and not a few days, but running the entire packaging side for the entire company, with zero training. I had two choices: either do nothing, or, do something.

I didn’t know how to run the daily report that informed the department of what to order. I did know how big the orders needed to be for each vendor to be placed. I knew which vendors had freight requirements and the min/max to meet them. I knew what vendors were close to our different warehouse locations, therefore what could be picked up by who and placed on a transfer to the location that needed the product.

I also realized that I gave zero fucks about oil. That I should give zero fucks about the way “new management” was handling things (i.e. micromanaging, zero trust in employees, watching moral just swim in the toilet, disliking greatly when you explain that making big changes are amazing but making sure they are executed properly and learning how those changes might affect other departments) I still gave a fuck about my coworkers, my friends. The people I had seen on the daily more than any partner I had been with.

I realized that if a company can get by with not giving you the actual title of what you are doing, they won’t ever pay you more.

And why would they? Why pay me what the actual wage is for a Buyer when I am already doing %99.9 of it for the rate of an assistant?

Enter They Might Be Giants fifteenth studio album,”Join Us”. Most notably, “Can’t Keep Johnny Down”:

“Outnumbered a million to one
All of the dicks in this dick town
Can’t keep Johnny down”

After just shy of 19 years, I put in my two weeks notice.

Did I feel like complete shit abandoning the only other person in Purchasing, and my friend? Yes, and terribly so. Did I have another job lined up? Fuck no. Did I remember that I worked 50+ hours per week, clocking out after 40 so that I wouldn’t get into trouble for having over time and just working for free? Fuck yes.

The last two weeks? I chose me. I saw my hair thinning out, the bags under my eyes from running on four hours of sleep, for not being able to sleep due to stress.

I chose me because I wasn’t chosen by them. Those weeks of running the entire packaging side of the company and training my new boss? I was challenged. I made mistakes, but far less than the ones caused by not being stimulated. I chose me because even though I knew I could do it, and I was capable, I refused to be treated like I wasn’t.

I chose to write this blog post as an exit interview, as I did not receive one.

Why was I asked by many of my Vesco cohorts to stay? To come work in other departments after I put my notice in? To be asked to stay on, at least until I get a new job. I don’t know. Why was I ignored when I asked to be trained? Why were the managers who tried to help me ignored?

Am I just a shitty employee? Considering four head of department managers came to see me after I placed my notice, I doubt it. Am I just fluffing my feathers for not getting a pay raise for the work I put in? Possibly. But, I think proving that I am in fact capable of the tasks and responsibilities I handled takes care of that.

I just wasn’t going to do it at $22 per hour, with zero allowance for OT.

Maybe the need to be constantly learning/stimulated was too weird. Maybe making my office space look like an Ikea apartment was weird. Maybe being the office snack provider so that people didn’t have to spend money on the vending machine was weird. Maybe, the non-binary, not straight, office twink who wore whatever the fuck they wanted (within dress code) was just too fucking weird.

Blah, blah something about not wondering about “The Else” and instead to “Join (you!)”.

I choose me. I chose me. And none of the dicks in that dick job can keep Sara down.

Until next post!

📍Detroit, MI.

Sara Bellum